Yesterday

Yesterday

In other news, I’ve been granted a US Visa (woohoo!) so I’ll be going to New York with work now. I had a slight break down in communications with the woman interviewing me for my visa. She asked me to place my “right ring finger” on the fingerprint scanner. Unfortunately I had no idea which one my “ring finger” was and so looked at her blankly. She then demonstrated by waving all four fingers at me! I looked even blanker. It was only then I realised she was touching one finger with her thumb. Using my amazing powers of deduction, I guessed she meant that finger. So I put it on, only to hear her say “your RIGHT ring finger, please”. Needless to say she probably thinks I’m far to thick to be harmful to any Americans!

Hmm…

I know I’ll do one of those crap email survey things!

1. The singular boring question: What is your name? Matthew Edward Goldspink also known as William, Wilhelm and Little Willy to my sisters
   NB: I should point out Little Willy was given to me when I was baby. I’m sure my endowment has grown in the years gone by.
   NB: I’m not sure whether the name Little Willy was about the size of my willy.
   NB: I’m getting off this rather dodgy subject now. The rest of this quiz should be normal.
   NB: Starting from… Now!
2. If you had been born a member of the opposite sex, what would your name have been? Naomi. I wonder if my sisters would have called me Little Fanny instead then?
3. Would you name a child of yours after you? I think Matt Jr. has a nice ring to it… infact so does Little Willy Jr.
4. If you had to switch first names with a friend of yours, who would you switch with? I think Yanyan is an ace name. I know it’s female, but it’s very different! Hmm… Yanyan Goldspink… How much are Deed Polls now-a-days?
5. What’s the way people most often mispronounce any part of your name? My surname is often mis-pronounced/heard/spelt. Variations include Goldstein, Goldspank, Goldspunk, Croldspur (I think that was partly my fault cos of my bad handwriting) but the most infamous is Goldstink which was the name Kerrie’s mum used to book me into a hotel in Paris. I’m assuming that was just a Freudian slip.
6. If you were to become famous, would you drop your last name (like Madonna, Cher, Roseanne)? It depends on what type of celebrity I was. If I was a DJ I’d like to call myself Vinyl Matt. In all other cases I’d like to be known as Barry Lovechild… Umm… I guess that makes the answer Yes?!
7. How easy is it to make you laugh? It depends on where you’re touching me…
8. What person you know makes you laugh the most? My mum. At her. Not with her.
9. Do you laugh at jokes you know you shouldn’t? I have a bad habit of laughing at my own jokes, but they do sound funny in my head! Really they do! Perhaps I just need to work on my delivery and timing… and going “Bu-dum-tsh” after them… and laughing at them…. Maybe I shouldn’t tell jokes.
10. Do you tell jokes you know you shouldn’t? I think the above response answers that *snigger*
11. What words instantly make you laugh or at least smile? “Pigeon Porn”
12. What do you think is the funniest thing you’ve ever said or written? “Pigeon Porn”
13. Do you ever dance to music when nobody’s watching? The short is answer is yes.
14. What is/are the worst song(s) you have ever heard? Shitmat and every musical piece he has written.
15. What song(s) do you wish you could understand a little better? Macarena. If anyone can translate the words so I know what I’m actually doing that stupid dance to I would be very grateful.
16. What song(s) are constantly in your head? The David Brent one from the office where he does that dance. It goes something like “Eh-eh-EH-eh-EH-EHH-eehhh-eh-EH-eh-Eh-EHH”.
17. What song(s) do you think describe your personality best? If the Macarena is about being cool, sexy, carefree and funny then probably not that. I don’t really know, but I think the lyricless “Shrimp” by Mr Scruff describes my physique well.
18. If you were to serenade the object of your affections, which song(s) would you use? I would perform a sensual, sexually charged striptease along to “I’m too sexy” by Right Said Fred. And if that didn’t impress her (I’m not a gay) I’d sing her a beautiful rendition of “Angels” by Robbie Williams in the buff.
19. If the object of your affections were to serenade you, what song(s) would you hope he or she used? “Big Spender” by Shirley Bassey or (now this is would really show they’re after me) “Dreaming your dreams” by Hybrid cos its my favourite song (ladies take note… if you’re interested)
20. What movie(s) do you love that nobody else seems to? Hackers. I grew up watching it and it set in stone my geekiness.
21. Do you agree with the idea that sequels are always worse than the original? No way! Just look at The Empire Strikes Back!
22. Who’s your favorite Star Wars character? Oooo… a tough one! I could Leia (reinforces I’m not gay). Or Luke (reinforces I’m not cripple-ist). Or Lando (reinforces I’m not racist), but I think I’ll say R2D2.
23. What kind of movie do you think there should be more of? Porn remakes of hit films. We watched a documentary on Channel 5 about them and it was facinating!
24. What movie(s) do you simply not understand the appeal of? Gay porn. I didn’t like the footage from “Shaving Ryan’s Privates” in the documentary.
25. What’s your favorite kind of cheese? I would say Mini Babybel, but i think people might associate that with my Little Willy nickname. So I’ll choose… Edam (it’s made backwards you know!)
26. What do you think your answer to the previous question reveals about your personality?That I’ve been mentally scarred with the fact I might have a small willy.
27. If you knew exactly what went into Chinese food, hamburger meat, etc., would you still eat it? Having worked in McDonalds for 5 years, I know I’m quite comfortable eating dusty buns & phlegm mayo.
28. Do you ever feel guilty eating meat? Every mouthful
29. Mac or PC? PC. Mac’s are good for arty farty stuff, but PC’s are more easily upgradable and customizable.
30. How much do you actually care about the inner workings of your computer, as long as it works? Far too much to be normal.
31. Do you ever begin preferring IMs to other forms of conversation? Not really. I always say sarcastic things in IMs that offends the other person but because I can’t see their face I don’t know I’ve offended them and… it all spirals out of control! I think it’s best when I don’t insert humour into IMs.
32. Do you find you’re different talking through IMs than face-to-face or on the telephone? IMs are usually done with me sat naked. Legally I can no longer hold face-to-face conversations in this manner. Telephone conversations can be held in either way as long as I’m not in public.
33. Have you ever ended bid on something on eBay and regretted it later? I’ve never had the balls to bid on eBay. Though this has nothing to do with the size of my weiner
34. Have you ever wished you could experience being the other gender? I think I like the fact they get to sit down when they pee. I always seem to lose my balance standing and end up making a mess.
35. What do you dislike most about the other gender? Hormones. Having lived with two sisters and a mother, I have an instinct for whenits that time of the month.
36. Do you sometimes see a movie or watch a show just because a good-looking celebrity is in it? I used to watch Gladiator’s when I was 12 just to see Jet! She was hot!
37. What celebrity’s autograph do you want most? I think I’d be pretty chuffed with any celebrities autograph. I don’t really move in the right circles to meet them, so I’d be honoured if any of them took time out to write me a little note.
38. Does it ever annoy you when you know someone is a celebrity but you can’t remember why? Yes. It makes me irate. No not really. Should it?
39. If you could enter any celebrity’s mind like in “Being John Malkovich”, whose would you enter? Jimmy Saville. I want to know what planet he’s really from. I’d also like to get inside Keira Knightly’s Megumi Morigami’s mind and get her upto Macclesfield so I can serenade her with my Right Said Fred dancing. She couldn’t refuse me then!
40. Do you want to be John Malkovich? If he could get Keira Knightly Megumi Morigami then yes!
41. Do you laugh when you hear or read the number 69? Ha ha! It’s the same upside down! Thats incredible!!!
42. Were you lying about your answer to the previous question? No.. Look at it! It says 69 that way, then when you flip it says 69 again!!!
43. Do you actually know your Social Security Number? Oh… this an American quizzy thing.
44. Do you actually know your IP address? I am blissfully unaware of it!
45. Do you know what an IP address is? Yes! I have a Masters degree in Computer Science! Of course I know. It is the unique address of your computer on the internet. When IPV6 comes out they’ll be enough addresses to give every square meter on the Earth an IP address as well as the moon and Mars! (slap that in your fact book and quote it!)
46. Do you know the four-character extension on your ZIP code? I don’t do ZIP codes, but if I did, I would live somewhere where my ZIP code would MATT.
47. Ever thought there were too many numbers floating around in our lives? Funny you should say that because I often think that there are far too many numbers floating around in my life.
48. Does your head begin to hurt when you think of infinity, imaginary numbers, irrational numbers, etc.? It depends if Mr Cuckoo is sat on my head.
49. What do you think of pi? Strange but true fact: I went to school with a guy called Andy Geake who could quote Pi to some stupidly high number of points!

1. The first major celeb (biggest of the lot infact) was Mr Bruce Willis!!! He of Die Hard fame! Yes, the one with the bald head and used to be married to Demi Moore. I took a few pictures, and I’ll whack them online after my holiday.
2. The second semi-major celeb was… Sonic the Hedgehog! Ok, not quite a celeb, but still I thought I’d shake his hand as a back up. I have proof of this one, but Amy has the photo, so I’ll put up when she gets a chance to email it me.
3. The third and final celeb was Mr Jarvis Cocker. He of Pulp fame. The “Common People” singerer. I went to see him DJ last night and it was AWESOME!!!! The guy is leg end (aka ankle). James has loads of pics which I’ll put up when he sends them me, but sadly he was too starstruck when I shook Jarvis’s hand as he made his way to the toilet.

I’ll still keep my eyes open for more celeb handshaking opportunities, but for now I’m crossing it off my list! I’m off to Mallorca 2mz with Laura to go gatecrash my big bro and his fianceés place. I’ll be back next saturday with photo’s, stories and the obligitary sun burn – keepin’ it real for the Brits! See you in a week!

Tracklisting
The Avalanches – Since I Left You
Madonna – Holiday
Bob Dylan – Like A Rolling Stone
The Avalanches – Stay Another Season
The Avalanches – Two Hearts In 3/4 Time
De La Soul – A Roller Skating Jam Named “Saturdays”
Blowfly – Rapp Dirty
Ol’ Dirty Bastard – Baby Got Ya Money (Dexter)
Roy Ayres – Running Away (Dexter)
Kid Creole And The Coconuts – Stool Pigeon
The Avalanches – Close To You
Jimi Hendrix – Crosstown Traffic
Cyndi Lauper – Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
The Smiths – The Boy With The Thorn In His Side
Thomas Bangalter – Turbo
Madcatt Courtship – The Kitty Lounge
Men At Work – Down Under
The Avalanches – Electricity
De La Soul – Ring Ring Ring (Ha Ha Hey)
A Tribe Called Quest – Electric Relaxation
Daft Punk – Oh Yeah
Detroit Grand Pubas – Sandwiches
Hall And Oates – I Can’t Go For That (No Can Do)
Fatboy Slim – Fatboy Slim Is Fucking In Heaven
The Beatles – Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
Jurassic 5 – Jayou
Dee-Lite – Groove Is In The Heart
West Street Mob – Break Dance Electric Boogie (Jon Carter Mix)
Gonzalez – Real Motherfuckin’ Music
The Avalanches – Little Journey
The Avalanches – Diners Only
The Avalanches – A Different Feeling
The Avalanches – Pablo’s Cruise
Michael Jackson – Billie Jean
Paperclip People – The Climax
Fela Ransome Kuti with Ginger Baker – Ye Ye De Smell
Instant Funk – Got My Mind Made Up
Eletric Light Orchestra – Livin’ Thing
Mickey Mouse Club – Mickey Mouse Club Theme
Zhane – Hey Mr. DJ
Michael Wycoff – Looking Up To You
Fern Kinney – Together We Are Beautiful
The Avalanches – Tonight May Have To Last Me All My Life
Fleetwood Mac – Dreams